how we got so mean.

two loving, nurturing people turned into to two heinous, wicked people.  short tempered, no patience, blinded by ego, traumatized not by high hopes but sadly low expectations for one another; this was never who we are, and should never be who we are.

i used to hear from you and i’d be all smiles, i’d be charmed.  now i hear from you and i roll my eyes or clench my teeth, i take a deep breath of hesitation, thinking i know engaging in dialogue is only going to worsen things for me.  you used to hear from me and you were enamored, i could even hear you smile.  now you hear from me and you evaluate me, your mental check list of things that make you go tick-tock and especially what makes you go boom is always ever so present.  you wait for me to rub you the wrong way…i wait for you to pick apart my thoughts and feelings and criticize me.  we anticipate the sharp teeth, sharp words, sharp claws, and the complete silence and isolation after the war bells have rung, we’ve gone one on one, and then we both retreat.  we individually devise mental master plans on how to win the next round, we develop strategies…but God forbid either of us for one moment stop to think we’re not one anothers enemy.  why would we?  i mean, weakness, surrender, sensitivity, love; those are the enemies, right?  right.

i remember a time when i’d never have the nerve or courage to say half of the things i do to you now; and you’d never even think of saying the things you do to me.  there was a time when the thought of treating one another like this, speaking to one another, like this was shameful.  out of the question and trite.

surprisingly; i can almost effortlessly clear my head and my heart temporarily of all resentment, anger, and repression and remember a boy.  a boy that made me feel juvenile for ever thinking i knew what it was like to feel something for somebody, to be in love, to let someone in, for someone to actually love me with all things considered.  i remember a boy found a girl, the boy claimed that girl before she knew him, boy got girls attention, and then the boy really did make the girl his.  i remember smiling for no reason, feeling weightless, feeling something new.  2 kids, michael jackson thriller, motel 6, the fresh prince of bel-air, sustaining too many careless injuries to count and laughing about them all night, a battle of self control and reasoning, and then click; realizing this was going to do one of 2 things 1) wonders or 2) numbers.

and 4 hours was exciting.  because the only reason we had 4 hours to complain about was when we were driving it, and we were happy to be complaining about it because we were 4 hours away from touching one another and giving each other yet another reason to drive 4 hours again.

it was your smile, god i was such a sucker for your smile.  and it was the way you said things to me; i didn’t care if i heard someone else say it before, you said it best.  it sounded best coming from you, and i listened more when you were saying it.  i listened to everything, because i loved to hear you talk.  and i loved looking at you, and seeing how lucky i was.  i was never really aware of anything going on around us, and it didn’t bother me nor did i ever think it mattered; it was you and me.

everyone wants to be that something to someone; that person that magically pulls it all together and somehow on the worst of days, says and does the best things.  everybody eventually wants to be someones sunshine.  not me, i never wanted to be yours.  i wanted quite the opposite actually, which is maybe one of the factors of our demise but anyway…if everyone is someone elses sun i guess best comparatively explained, i wanted to be your moon.  the one thing thats there, the one thing that without fail provides you with what you need to survive through the dark, through the night.  i guess you never saw this.

we both should be put in a very long time out in which we have ample time to think about what we’ve both done.